Can we continue to want each other after years of living together? After reading two new fashion books about sex, Svetlana Kolchik became much more optimistic about the future.
Is it possible to have sex all your life, and even good sex? I don't know yet. My husband and I have only been together for four years, and so far we have only successfully crossed the threshold described by Frederick Begbeder in the book "Love lives for three years". But my best friend has the answer. It's positive. Until the most turbulent decade of my life (between twenty and thirty years) I blindly, by trial and error, was looking for my man, violently discussing with friends my adventures (to intimate details, however, did not descend), she was actively engaged in this sex. With her first and only man, whom she chose at the age of 19. And is still engaged, with the regularity of students at the peak of libido. The length of their marriage is more than 15 years, and their eldest daughter is almost the same.
But I don't think all sexually happy couples are equally happy. Those I know (there aren't many of them, but they are) use completely different ways to cheer up their intimate life. Someone approaches intimate relationships as a business project-plans weekends in advance, regularly runs away from home to the hotel, leaving the children under the supervision of a nanny, periodically updates the range of sex toys, appropriate underwear and other stimulants. Others are saved by frequent business trips or even a guest marriage (they manage to get used to each other and get bored), others at some point decide to sleep in separate beds to temporarily rest from each other (not the best option, in my opinion). And someone to maintain interest – including in bed – helps banal alcohol. This, incidentally, is a proven tool – there are a lot of sociological research that confirms that couples who regularly (i.e. at least two times a week, but in moderation, not to unconsciousness) drink together, not just less divorce, but also want each other much more than those who doesn't drink or paired fundamentally does not drink one. My friend – the one who has had a sex life that has been blooming for 15 years – has her own system that serves as viagra for them. Which one – I'll write a little later. And Yes, they drink wine at dinner every night.
But I like to read. I have two textbooks in my bedroom right now – "How to get your honeymoon back "and"healing with sex." The first (in Germany it is a bestseller!) it was written by Professor Ulrich Klement, a psychotherapist at the University of Heidelberg (the same University where Lensky came from). He is one of the most famous sex therapists in Europe, the real Sigmund Freud of the 21st century. He has his own clinic in Heidelberg and several decades of practice. The author of the second book is Mantak Chia, one of the world's leading experts on Taoist sexual practices (Taoism is an ancient Chinese mystical teaching, much of which is instructions on all kinds of sexual practices), a master of qigong, a doctor of traditional Chinese medicine.
In literal translation, the title of the book by a German sex therapist-Guter Sex trotz Liebe – sounds somewhat ironic: "Good sex in spite of love." In his opinion, most of us are trapped in five "everyday myths" that gradually reduce love and passion. Here they are: 1) with age, the quality and quantity of sex inevitably decreases (Clement is convinced that everything should be the opposite – what do we know about eroticism in 20 years?..); 2) great love almost always guarantees good sex, and if you rarely do it, it means that you no longer love each other; 3) love should be done regularly; 4) sex should always bring pleasure; 5) you need to strive for the intensity of sex that you had at the beginning of the relationship.
So, Ulrich Klement advises you to put all these stereotypes out of your head and understand what you most want in bed (and if you don't want anything and this has been the case for a long time, it's a good idea to find out why). Another important question: how hard are you trying to please your loved one in sex? If the pleasure of another is an absolute priority for you, this is a problem. "If I focus exclusively on my partner, if I neglect myself, if my partner is more important to me than myself, the situation gradually becomes critical. In this case, I turn from a lover to a wish-fulfillment person. Which is bad. And for both," Clement writes. He suggests that you drop the idea that you know everything about your husband. Even if you have lived with this person for half your life. Mentally reset your relationship and imagine that this is a practically unknown person whom you intuitively trust. Therefore, it is not terrible to reveal the cards and tell them about some fantasies and desires. Well, just in conversation to the word screw. If you are shy, turn everything into a joke or a game. But if he also opens up, be prepared in advance for the unexpected.
I have not tried this yet – I am afraid of these surprises, and not all men are ready to say "about it"right off the bat. They either have sex with you or they don't. But maybe it makes sense to listen to Ulrich Clement?
He believes that any new information about your partner is food for passion: "a Frank story about fantasies, a confession of sexual preferences that you did not know about, is a vivid demonstration of how different we are. This divides and alienates those who were sure that they knew everything about each other and even more."
5 tips from a sex therapist
• Don't wait for perfect sex. Just do it more often. If you don't have bad sex, you won't appreciate good sex.
• Try to look at a man as a stranger. Be curious, even if you've known him for a hundred years.
• Think more about yourself, your desires and needs.
• Passion is cyclical. Periods of active intimate life are replaced by a lull. But this does not mean that the man has stopped loving you or that your relationship is in crisis.
• Don't expect a man to suddenly turn from a reserved gentleman into a thug. If you want to change something, change and develop yourself. He'll either pull up or he won't. And you try to accept it as it is, in any hypostasis.
In frankness, you should know the measure – you don't have to tell each other everything at once. Here I agree with the sex therapist-there must be secrets, their own space, some distance. And so, by the way, I don't think I'm the only one. Last year, I flew to London to meet the cultural critic, trendsetter, writer, philosopher, Cambridge graduate and son of a Swiss millionaire, Alan de Botton. His books "the Art of traveling", "Consolation with philosophy", "religion for atheists" have been read in Europe for many years. Recently, he wrote another one – "How to think about sex more often". Alan de botton is also convinced that a certain number of secrets, as well as a small, even barely perceptible distance in a relationship, is an aphrodisiac. In particular, he recommends doing everything possible to change the angle of view more often and look at the partner as a stranger. To do this, you should often go together to public events, where there will be a lot of women. To them, your husband is an unknown man, as he once was to you. His stakes in your eyes will jump a lot when you see that they look at him with lust – you will want to protect your property in all ways. Or just want... it. Right there. Or at home.
What the Taoist Mantak Chia teaches is a different story. Adherents of Eastern sexual practices are not familiar with the concept of "habit" at all – they are convinced that the longer people are together, the brighter and more harmonious their sex is. It takes years to achieve this harmony. However, impressive results can be achieved faster. To do this, you need to learn to feel your sexual energy and manage it. Taoists call this energy qi, in their understanding it is the elixir of life (for Hindus it is "prana", for tantrists – life force, that is, "life force"). They also believe that sexual energy can not only deliver incredible pleasure, but also cure any diseases. The most sensitive reflex points are located on the intimate organs, which can be stimulated to strengthen and treat internal organs. The reserves of this energy are endless, it's just that many people have their sexual power in a dormant state and this may make it seem that they don't want anything more. But in vain. "Each of us is an earthly manifestation of the cosmic creative forces of Yin and Yang, the interaction of which generates all phenomena," Chia writes. "When a man and a woman merge in sexual intercourse, Heaven and Earth merge."
According to the teachings of the Tao, a woman's potential – physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual – is more powerful than a man's. But at the same time, a woman and a man cannot – and should not – exist without each other. We need to constantly exchange energy – then we will be young and happy. To make life together and bed a joy, Dr. Chia suggests mastering a number of techniques that awaken qi. The most basic: conscious breathing, including during sex; training of intimate muscles; control of ejaculation (tantrists and Taoists are convinced that ejaculating, a man loses energy); meditations that help you connect to sexual energy. It's worth it – tested on yourself. A couple of years ago, I tried tantric practices (these are rituals with tantric breathing – the deepest possible breath through the mouth and the same strong exhalation, in which you need to compress the muscles of the perineum). The stronger the energy (and sexy, too!) I have never experienced an uplift accompanied by an expansion of consciousness in my life! In General, Tantra is a very fashionable thing now. The trend was launched by singer sting, and many followed him – from Robert Pattinson to Scarlett Johansson.
But there is one thing that tantrists, Taoists, and Western experts agree on. Sometimes you need to have sex through "I don't want to" – the appetite comes while eating. "Don't wait for desire to come to you, – Ulrich Clement insists. – If the lust skill is not trained for a long time, you can wait indefinitely. Show passion and it will return." My friend – the one who has been married for more than 15 years, this somewhat prosaic approach also shares. And now about their personal viagra. She is a control-freak in life. My husband is used to going with the flow. But in bed, they consciously change roles. She becomes a slave, and he takes an active position. First, it balances most of the tensions and contradictions that arise in their relationship. And secondly, sex continues to be a drug for them, helping them to enter a wonderful state that is unusual for them when they are sober.
5 tips from Taoists and tantrists
• Learn to feel your sexual energy. This can be done through breathing practices, such as tantric breathing.
• Train the PC muscle (it is located between the bones of the pelvis and coccyx – it is with its help that you restrain urination), this will help a good circulation of sexual energy.
• In bed, put out of your head schemes, conventions, expectations, assessments, fears. True intimacy between a man and a woman is possible when they go beyond their Ego.
• Turn on all the senses, be here and now, caress each other, stretch out the pleasure and do not rush to move to coitus. Over time, it will be easier for a man to control ejaculation, and a woman will worry less about her own orgasm.
• Learn to feel the man as yourself, touch the man as if you were touching your own body.
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