Can we continue to want each other after years of living together? After reading two new fashion books about sex, Svetlana Kolchik became much more optimistic about the future.
Is it possible to have sex all your life, and even good sex? I don't know yet. My husband and I have only been together for four years, and so far we have only successfully crossed the threshold described by Frederick Begbeder in the book "Love lives for three years". But my best friend has the answer. It's positive. Until the most turbulent decade of my life (between twenty and thirty years) I blindly, by trial and error, was looking for my man, violently discussing with friends my adventures (to intimate details, however, did not descend), she was actively engaged in this sex. With her first and only man, whom she chose at the age of 19. And is still engaged, with the regularity of students at the peak of libido. The length of their marriage is more than 15 years, and their eldest daughter is almost the same.
But I don't think all sexually happy couples are equally happy. Those I know (there aren't many of them, but they are) use completely different ways to cheer up their intimate life. Someone approaches intimate relationships as a business project-plans weekends in advance, regularly runs away from home to the hotel, leaving the children under the supervision of a nanny, periodically updates the range of sex toys, appropriate underwear and other stimulants. Others are saved by frequent business trips or even a guest marriage (they manage to get used to each other and get bored), others at some point decide to sleep in separate beds to temporarily rest from each other (not the best option, in my opinion). And someone to maintain interest – including in bed – helps banal alcohol. This, incidentally, is a proven tool – there are a lot of sociological research that confirms that couples who regularly (i.e. at least two times a week, but in moderation, not to unconsciousness) drink together, not just less divorce, but also want each other much more than those who doesn't drink or paired fundamentally does not drink one. My friend – the one who has had a sex life that has been blooming for 15 years – has her own system that serves as viagra for them. Which one – I'll write a little later. And Yes, they drink wine at dinner every night.
But I like to read. I have two textbooks in my bedroom right now – "How to get your honeymoon back "and"healing with sex." The first (in Germany it is a bestseller!) it was written by Professor Ulrich Klement, a psychotherapist at the University of Heidelberg (the same University where Lensky came from). He is one of the most famous sex therapists in Europe, the real Sigmund Freud of the 21st century. He has his own clinic in Heidelberg and several decades of practice. The author of the second book is Mantak Chia, one of the world's leading experts on Taoist sexual practices (Taoism is an ancient Chinese mystical teaching, much of which is instructions on all kinds of sexual practices), a master of qigong, a doctor of traditional Chinese medicine.
In literal translation, the title of the book by a German sex therapist-Guter Sex trotz Liebe – sounds somewhat ironic: "Good sex in spite of love." In his opinion, most of us are trapped in five "everyday myths" that gradually reduce love and passion. Here they are: 1) with age, the quality and quantity of sex inevitably decreases (Clement is convinced that everything should be the opposite – what do we know about eroticism in 20 years?..); 2) great love almost always guarantees good sex, and if you rarely do it, it means that you no longer love each other; 3) love should be done regularly; 4) sex should always bring pleasure; 5) you need to strive for the intensity of sex that you had at the beginning of the relationship.
So, Ulrich Klement advises you to put all these stereotypes out of your head and understand what you most want in bed (and if you don't want anything and this has been the case for a long time, it's a good idea to find out why). Another important question: how hard are you trying to please your loved one in sex? If the pleasure of another is an absolute priority for you, this is a problem. "If I focus exclusively on my partner, if I neglect myself, if my partner is more important to me than myself, the situation gradually becomes critical. In this case, I turn from a lover to a wish-fulfillment person. Which is bad. And for both," Clement writes. He suggests that you drop the idea that you know everything about your husband. Even if you have lived with this person for half your life. Mentally reset your relationship and imagine that this is a practically unknown person whom you intuitively trust. Therefore, it is not terrible to reveal the cards and tell them about some fantasies and desires. Well, just in conversation to the word screw. If you are shy, turn everything into a joke or a game. But if he also opens up, be prepared in advance for the unexpected.
I have not tried this yet – I am afraid of these surprises, and not all men are ready to say "about it"right off the bat. They either have sex with you or they don't. But maybe it makes sense to listen to Ulrich Clement? Porn movies have created such an incredible number of myths around sex that it will take generations of sexual preachers to destroy them.
If children were taught the basics of sex life at school, many problems in the future could be avoided. And the need for sex training would disappear by itself.
Myth # 1: Security is anti – sexual
Therefore, you will never see sex in a condom in any movie. But you are already adults, we will not tell you about AIDS and its consequences. Well, or about not fatal, but also unpleasant chlamydia.
Myth # 2: A huge steel phallus excites
It rather scares women. And it causes an inferiority complex in ordinary men who do not swallow viagra on an industrial scale. The main thing here is not scale, but dexterity and skill.
Myth # 3: The faster, the better
The faster, the better. Ever wonder why your partner convulses like a rabbit until the room smells like burnt rubber? It's all because of the porn movies. After all, it shows that women are incredibly excited about speed, and everyone asks “faster, faster". Such experiments may result in skin irritation. Strike out.
Myth # 4: a woman gets more pleasure from Arching
Rather, she is not getting enough oxygen, because her neck is unnaturally curved, and there is very strong pressure on the upper vertebrae. Sexologists call this pose “hysterical arc", because in addition to the desire to look sexy and beautiful, there is nothing behind it. Except for the possibility of injury.
Myth # 5: Foreplay is unnecessary
The porn industry has brought out all the foreplay. A woman in such films is presented as the pioneer who is "always ready". But preliminary caresses have an extremely important purpose – to relax the partner, and then she will enjoy the act, and not just count the minutes until someone else's orgasm.
Myth # 6: Sex is only for the young
I'll bet you a hundred that no one makes porn movies for old people. And it's a pity that all people over the age of 40 fall under the category of “old people". But sexual pleasure is available to everyone, within the limits of the criminal code.
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